sometimes it's a choice...

you ever have days where you just don't care...about anything? things you used to stress over, you just don't care about anymore. dreams you've held onto for forever, you just let go. ideas that used to make nervous, excited, happy or sad....you're just not concerned with anymore. right now, that's where i am.

don't worry. it's not a terribly traumatic loss. actually, in a way, it's a blessing. i've been carrying this burden around with me for a long time; it was one of those things where it wasn't in itself "bad", but the way i obsessed over it, the way i worried with it-those were negative out-workings of this load. i had been praying long and hard that GOD would just relieve me of it, but it seemed like no matter how much i prayed, it wasn't going anywhere.

but then it did. it was one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced. it was a like a light-switch. i literally just stopped worrying with it. i realized that this burden i thought meant so much to me really didn't matter anymore. in a way, i was elated; at the same time, i felt dead.

yes. dead. dramatic as it sounds, that's how i've been feeling. i feel like i've been gripping this burden so tightly that now that i have let it go, i don't know what to feel. i don't know what i think about the situation. i just feel (i'm going to whip out my fancy college vocabulary here) "blah". i have far too many days where nothing is appealing; where i'd rather just stay in bed and sleep rather than live the life i've been so richly blessed with. i've been walking around in a pitiful state of mind, looking around at those who are happy and feeling sorry for myself. most days, i don't feel like getting over this mindset, i'd rather just sit and wallow in it.

we've been told hundreds upon thousands of times that we should follow our hearts, do what we feel is right. but how do you do that when you just don't care? how do you follow your heart when your heart feels dead, almost empty? how do we possibly act upon our feelings when our feelings are encouraging us to do nothing, just mope and drown in the sea of self pity you've created for yourself?

i'm convinced that you don't. as i've been working through these feelings and whatnot, i've come to the conclusion that sometimes, you have to choose to care. sometimes, you have to choose to rise above your feelings. sometimes, you have to disregard what your heart is telling you. i'm nearly positive that you can't live by what you're feeling at any given moment: you have to choose to re-channel your feelings from the negative, pathetic direction they are headed to a GOD-honoring, CHRIST-seeking pathway. no matter how dead i feel, i must find the life that JESUS promised to me through his death. i am a new creature in him, and i must live my life in light of this truth. even when i don't feel like praying, even when i don't feel like seeking him, even when i don't feel like taking my problems to him, that's what i must do. he has promised to never leave me nor forsake me...and that pledge is not based upon what he is feeling. he promises to be there for me no matter what, and as his child, i must find a way to go to him even when my heart is telling me to pull away and just "enjoy" this season of self-pity.

i must choose to care. i must choose to find joy. i must choose to find purpose.

i must choose JESUS.

A religion that gives nothing, costs nothing, and suffers nothing, is worth nothing...

"sexy" isn't exactly the adjective i would attach to my faith. but that is exactly what the world has turned it into. anymore, its hip to be a christain. its cool to wear a t-shirt that says "JESUS" on the chest, or carry a reusable water bottle that supports clean water for children in third world countries, or have a scripture reference tattooed on your wrist. you're *generally* not ridiculed for this sort of image and actions, in fact, if you're doing enough of the "right" thing, you and JESUS are applauded.

but that's the problem. YOU AND JESUS are applauded. JESUS isn't praised. JESUS isn't honored. rather, y'all both get a slap on the back and a "way to go, bro".

i don't have the time or mental capacity to really blog about this topic, but this guy has taken a moment to really expound upon this concept. it's eye opening. it's thought provoking. so please, read this. you won't be sorry.

seriously.

http://kyledonn.com/blog/sexy-christianity

a moment to breathe...

hello blogging world...if there's anyone left out there. if there is, i'm sorry for abandoning you. i can promise you that it was never my intention to drop blogging like a heart rock; i never wanted to give the impression that i was done with my blog like a doctor is with a dead man. i never meant to leave you and never come back, but i know it seemed that way.

but enough with whining. life happens. period. the end. blogging doesn't always fit into the schedule. but today, oh happy day, it did. believe it or not, i have found a moment to breathe. and what better way to spend such a moment than blogging? i don't know that i'm blogging for anyone but myself, but i still consider it a legit past-time.

so where have i been this past little while? where has life taken me since i last posted? i feel like so much has happened since june (sob-yes, the month of my last post!), but at the same time, it feels like nothing of great importance has occurred. important or not, you shall hear about it.

in july, i arrived home after spending two months with my big brother. i had an amazing time with seth. we are really close, and although our lives were not excessively exciting during my time up there (though the drive in was pretty thrilling! yes, i'm still harping on that. lol.), i really enjoyed my time up there. it was a nice change of pace and scenery. but, all that being said, it was so good to get home. being away from them for so long gave me a whole new appreciation for my family. i realized just how valuable the relationships i share with my family members are; it really motivated me to spend more time with my younger sisters especially, because being away made me understand just how much i enjoy my role as a big sister. i love those 4 girls to pieces, and am so thankful to be back with them and being able to hang out and make memories with them.

just a few days after making it home, i received a call from a little grocery store in town asking me to come in for an interview. i was thrilled. i had really been praying about a job, and GOD worked this out perfectly. i went in for the interview, got the job, and started working as a cashier shortly thereafter. the hours are long and tedious at times, but i can honestly say i love my job and the people i work with. i am very much a people-person, and the constant interaction i have with various customers is quite fun...most of the time. i have my regulars that come in and joke around with me. i love those type of relationships.  they're something you see on tv when you watch mayberry, but having them for real, it's quite precious. :)

in august, i started a new chapter in my life: university! i started attending unf august 28, pursuing my bachelors in english while working on my minor in professional education. i am in the middle of taking 4 classes: introduction to education, literary analysis, early british literature and the art of critical reading. it's not a terribly heavy schedule (after taking 2 math classes in one semester, i feel pretty invincible! lol), but it is challenging. the papers i am writing are pretty deep, involving a heavy dissection of short stories and novels. i'm a bit of a nerd, so this stuff is right up my alley, and although it does get intense at times, i can honestly say i am enjoying myself.

unf is by no means a christian college, but i really feel like i have grown closer to GOD this semester of college than i have the past couple months. i am involved in a weekly christian club and a girls' bible study. it's awesome. i am inspired to go deeper in my faith and strengthening my walk with the LORD. the friends i have made during my short time at unf encourage me to pursue my relationship with JESUS; i have had the opportunity to witness their own faith in action, and it causes me to want the light they shine so brightly. and my blogging buddies, that is truly a blessing.

my moment of freedom is coming to an end. i am going to finish this up and head off to my british literature class. y'all come back now, ya hear? i promise i'm going to try to do better with this whole blogging thang. ;)