you ever have days where you just don't care...about anything? things you used to stress over, you just don't care about anymore. dreams you've held onto for forever, you just let go. ideas that used to make nervous, excited, happy or sad....you're just not concerned with anymore. right now, that's where i am.
don't worry. it's not a terribly traumatic loss. actually, in a way, it's a blessing. i've been carrying this burden around with me for a long time; it was one of those things where it wasn't in itself "bad", but the way i obsessed over it, the way i worried with it-those were negative out-workings of this load. i had been praying long and hard that GOD would just relieve me of it, but it seemed like no matter how much i prayed, it wasn't going anywhere.
but then it did. it was one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced. it was a like a light-switch. i literally just stopped worrying with it. i realized that this burden i thought meant so much to me really didn't matter anymore. in a way, i was elated; at the same time, i felt dead.
yes. dead. dramatic as it sounds, that's how i've been feeling. i feel like i've been gripping this burden so tightly that now that i have let it go, i don't know what to feel. i don't know what i think about the situation. i just feel (i'm going to whip out my fancy college vocabulary here) "blah". i have far too many days where nothing is appealing; where i'd rather just stay in bed and sleep rather than live the life i've been so richly blessed with. i've been walking around in a pitiful state of mind, looking around at those who are happy and feeling sorry for myself. most days, i don't feel like getting over this mindset, i'd rather just sit and wallow in it.
we've been told hundreds upon thousands of times that we should follow our hearts, do what we feel is right. but how do you do that when you just don't care? how do you follow your heart when your heart feels dead, almost empty? how do we possibly act upon our feelings when our feelings are encouraging us to do nothing, just mope and drown in the sea of self pity you've created for yourself?
i'm convinced that you don't. as i've been working through these feelings and whatnot, i've come to the conclusion that sometimes, you have to choose to care. sometimes, you have to choose to rise above your feelings. sometimes, you have to disregard what your heart is telling you. i'm nearly positive that you can't live by what you're feeling at any given moment: you have to choose to re-channel your feelings from the negative, pathetic direction they are headed to a GOD-honoring, CHRIST-seeking pathway. no matter how dead i feel, i must find the life that JESUS promised to me through his death. i am a new creature in him, and i must live my life in light of this truth. even when i don't feel like praying, even when i don't feel like seeking him, even when i don't feel like taking my problems to him, that's what i must do. he has promised to never leave me nor forsake me...and that pledge is not based upon what he is feeling. he promises to be there for me no matter what, and as his child, i must find a way to go to him even when my heart is telling me to pull away and just "enjoy" this season of self-pity.
i must choose to care. i must choose to find joy. i must choose to find purpose.
i must choose JESUS.
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