sometimes it's a choice...

you ever have days where you just don't care...about anything? things you used to stress over, you just don't care about anymore. dreams you've held onto for forever, you just let go. ideas that used to make nervous, excited, happy or sad....you're just not concerned with anymore. right now, that's where i am.

don't worry. it's not a terribly traumatic loss. actually, in a way, it's a blessing. i've been carrying this burden around with me for a long time; it was one of those things where it wasn't in itself "bad", but the way i obsessed over it, the way i worried with it-those were negative out-workings of this load. i had been praying long and hard that GOD would just relieve me of it, but it seemed like no matter how much i prayed, it wasn't going anywhere.

but then it did. it was one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced. it was a like a light-switch. i literally just stopped worrying with it. i realized that this burden i thought meant so much to me really didn't matter anymore. in a way, i was elated; at the same time, i felt dead.

yes. dead. dramatic as it sounds, that's how i've been feeling. i feel like i've been gripping this burden so tightly that now that i have let it go, i don't know what to feel. i don't know what i think about the situation. i just feel (i'm going to whip out my fancy college vocabulary here) "blah". i have far too many days where nothing is appealing; where i'd rather just stay in bed and sleep rather than live the life i've been so richly blessed with. i've been walking around in a pitiful state of mind, looking around at those who are happy and feeling sorry for myself. most days, i don't feel like getting over this mindset, i'd rather just sit and wallow in it.

we've been told hundreds upon thousands of times that we should follow our hearts, do what we feel is right. but how do you do that when you just don't care? how do you follow your heart when your heart feels dead, almost empty? how do we possibly act upon our feelings when our feelings are encouraging us to do nothing, just mope and drown in the sea of self pity you've created for yourself?

i'm convinced that you don't. as i've been working through these feelings and whatnot, i've come to the conclusion that sometimes, you have to choose to care. sometimes, you have to choose to rise above your feelings. sometimes, you have to disregard what your heart is telling you. i'm nearly positive that you can't live by what you're feeling at any given moment: you have to choose to re-channel your feelings from the negative, pathetic direction they are headed to a GOD-honoring, CHRIST-seeking pathway. no matter how dead i feel, i must find the life that JESUS promised to me through his death. i am a new creature in him, and i must live my life in light of this truth. even when i don't feel like praying, even when i don't feel like seeking him, even when i don't feel like taking my problems to him, that's what i must do. he has promised to never leave me nor forsake me...and that pledge is not based upon what he is feeling. he promises to be there for me no matter what, and as his child, i must find a way to go to him even when my heart is telling me to pull away and just "enjoy" this season of self-pity.

i must choose to care. i must choose to find joy. i must choose to find purpose.

i must choose JESUS.

A religion that gives nothing, costs nothing, and suffers nothing, is worth nothing...

"sexy" isn't exactly the adjective i would attach to my faith. but that is exactly what the world has turned it into. anymore, its hip to be a christain. its cool to wear a t-shirt that says "JESUS" on the chest, or carry a reusable water bottle that supports clean water for children in third world countries, or have a scripture reference tattooed on your wrist. you're *generally* not ridiculed for this sort of image and actions, in fact, if you're doing enough of the "right" thing, you and JESUS are applauded.

but that's the problem. YOU AND JESUS are applauded. JESUS isn't praised. JESUS isn't honored. rather, y'all both get a slap on the back and a "way to go, bro".

i don't have the time or mental capacity to really blog about this topic, but this guy has taken a moment to really expound upon this concept. it's eye opening. it's thought provoking. so please, read this. you won't be sorry.

seriously.

http://kyledonn.com/blog/sexy-christianity

a moment to breathe...

hello blogging world...if there's anyone left out there. if there is, i'm sorry for abandoning you. i can promise you that it was never my intention to drop blogging like a heart rock; i never wanted to give the impression that i was done with my blog like a doctor is with a dead man. i never meant to leave you and never come back, but i know it seemed that way.

but enough with whining. life happens. period. the end. blogging doesn't always fit into the schedule. but today, oh happy day, it did. believe it or not, i have found a moment to breathe. and what better way to spend such a moment than blogging? i don't know that i'm blogging for anyone but myself, but i still consider it a legit past-time.

so where have i been this past little while? where has life taken me since i last posted? i feel like so much has happened since june (sob-yes, the month of my last post!), but at the same time, it feels like nothing of great importance has occurred. important or not, you shall hear about it.

in july, i arrived home after spending two months with my big brother. i had an amazing time with seth. we are really close, and although our lives were not excessively exciting during my time up there (though the drive in was pretty thrilling! yes, i'm still harping on that. lol.), i really enjoyed my time up there. it was a nice change of pace and scenery. but, all that being said, it was so good to get home. being away from them for so long gave me a whole new appreciation for my family. i realized just how valuable the relationships i share with my family members are; it really motivated me to spend more time with my younger sisters especially, because being away made me understand just how much i enjoy my role as a big sister. i love those 4 girls to pieces, and am so thankful to be back with them and being able to hang out and make memories with them.

just a few days after making it home, i received a call from a little grocery store in town asking me to come in for an interview. i was thrilled. i had really been praying about a job, and GOD worked this out perfectly. i went in for the interview, got the job, and started working as a cashier shortly thereafter. the hours are long and tedious at times, but i can honestly say i love my job and the people i work with. i am very much a people-person, and the constant interaction i have with various customers is quite fun...most of the time. i have my regulars that come in and joke around with me. i love those type of relationships.  they're something you see on tv when you watch mayberry, but having them for real, it's quite precious. :)

in august, i started a new chapter in my life: university! i started attending unf august 28, pursuing my bachelors in english while working on my minor in professional education. i am in the middle of taking 4 classes: introduction to education, literary analysis, early british literature and the art of critical reading. it's not a terribly heavy schedule (after taking 2 math classes in one semester, i feel pretty invincible! lol), but it is challenging. the papers i am writing are pretty deep, involving a heavy dissection of short stories and novels. i'm a bit of a nerd, so this stuff is right up my alley, and although it does get intense at times, i can honestly say i am enjoying myself.

unf is by no means a christian college, but i really feel like i have grown closer to GOD this semester of college than i have the past couple months. i am involved in a weekly christian club and a girls' bible study. it's awesome. i am inspired to go deeper in my faith and strengthening my walk with the LORD. the friends i have made during my short time at unf encourage me to pursue my relationship with JESUS; i have had the opportunity to witness their own faith in action, and it causes me to want the light they shine so brightly. and my blogging buddies, that is truly a blessing.

my moment of freedom is coming to an end. i am going to finish this up and head off to my british literature class. y'all come back now, ya hear? i promise i'm going to try to do better with this whole blogging thang. ;)

and this post shall suffer from the lack of a good title...

yes. i realize just how sad the title to this is. but rest assured, the content isn't nearly as pathetic. at least, i hope it isn't. you shall have to let me know, k?

first off: the drive-in movie was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. when i grow up, i want a giant, outdoor screen in my backyard! oh my goodness...i can't get over how much fun it was. we had to get there early to find a parking space, cause that place filled up quickly. anyhow, while we waited for the movie to start, seth and i sat in his truck, windows rolled down, radio on and playing music from the 50s and snacked on skittles. :sigh: it was great. the movies were also pretty good, but the outdoors atmosphere-gosh, it was perfect.

secondly: this week, i did something pretty big-i changed my college major! whoah, right? my thoughts exactly! what happened to being called to teach, you may ask (which is a very legit question!). well, it's still there. i hope to use my degree to teach some form of language arts, so i'll still be pursuing the calling which GOD has given me. i am very excited about the english major, though. the classes i will have to take are right up my alley. i love to write, so all these composition classes are going to be a welcome challenge! that's what i'm hoping, anyways.

thirdly: um...actually, there is no "thirdly". instead, i shall bow out gracefully! have a great day, y'all! :)

p.s: did y'all know that there were monopoly world championships? who knew?!?!

guess what i'm doing this weekend....

....i'm crossing an item off my bucket list! no, i'm not dyeing my hair or travelling to europe<<although that would be super amazing! nope...something way better than changing my hair color, though slightly less exciting than travelling the globe: i'm going to a drive-in movie! yay! i am so excited! i've been wanting to do this for a good while, but the opportunity  never arose. until now.

see, i've been spending my summer with my brother. i came home with him after my graduation party (which he suprised me by coming down for! oh my goodness...best part of my graduation!) and have been living with him for the past 2 months. well, he came home from work the other day and announced that we were going to make a trip to the drive-in. i was so excited. i didn't even know there was a drive in around here, so it made for a very nice surprise. icing on the cake: we're grabbing us some chinese food before the movies (it's a double feature!) start.

yeah. i'm pretty thrilled.

it's going to be a good weekend.

smile worthy material....

...pink john deere hats.

...vintage coca-cola items.

...mango popsicles.

...breakfast with my big brother.

....future wedding plans-complemints of pinterest. ;)

....watching disney movies without anyone under the age of 12 in the room.

....the color yellow.

anything in particular y'all are smiling about today? do be a dear and share. :)

My Life...A-Z

So I ran across this really neat idea over at this cute little blog (and I must urge you to check it out!-good stuff, peoples!). I have been fairly stumped on what to blog about, so this A-Z project was a breath of fresh air.

Let's begin. :)

A//Available or Married?

Hmmm....how about neither? Haha. I am single (give me a break, I'm 18!) and I don't believe that's a bad thing. I've got Jesus, my family, friends, and a Starbuck's giftcard-I'm content. ;)

B//Books?

Shamed to say, I am not doing a great deal of reading at the moment. I am reading through the book of Matthew and Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for His Highest" (and I certainly think that should count for SOMETHING! ;)), but otherwise, not too much happening in the area of literature.

C//Cake or Pie?

Oh.my.goodness. Not a good time to be asking such questions. I've been on a semi-healthy eating kick (I say "semi" cause this girl is still treating herself to some ice-cream!), and anymore, all I'm craving are unhealthy, empty, sugary carbs-like cake or pie. ;) Anyhooo...back to the question at hand. If push came to shove, I think I'd side with cake. Cake just covered in creamy, delish frosting. ::Sigh::

D//Drink of choice?

Sweet tea. The drink choice of every good southern belle. ;)

E//Essiential Item?

My glasses. I'm kind of blind without them.

F//Favorite Color?

Oh I don't have a favorite color. I like them all. :) I am rather partial to yellow, though. Yellow is just such a happy color.

G//Game to play or watch?

I'm pretty childish when it comes to such matters. Haha.....childish as in "Angry Birds", "Fruit Ninja", "Apples to Apples" and "Monopoly". Ok now, don't judge. They're fun.

H//Hometown?

Not something I am at liberty to disclose on the world wide web. ;)

I//Indulgance?

White chocolate mocha frappachinos from Starbucks. Oh my garsh. Love, love, love!

J//Job?

Don't have an official job, but let me tell you, being me takes plenty of hard work. It's a job in and of itself. lol.

K//Kids and names?

No...I am not married, so no, I do not have kids. BUT!-that hasn't stopped me from naming my future children. :) Currently stuck on the names Jonathan, Matthew and Kassidy.

L//Life is incomplete without?

Jesus.

M//Music groups or singers?

Chris Tomlin, Randy Travis, Tenth Avenue North, Ketih Green, Billy Joel, Casting Crowns, John Denver, :some: Taylor Swift, The Band Perry, Hank Williams Sr., Creedance Clearwater Revival..I love my music. :)

N//Number of siblings?

5 lovely sisters and a 1 lonely brother. We're a pretty fabulous group, let me tell ya! :) I'm in the middle of them all...2 older and 4 younger.

O//Oranges or apples?

Apples...even though I'm *technically* allergice to them (I know-how weird is that?). Oranges tend to be too juicy and messy for my liking. I'll stick to my tidy fruits, thankyouverymuch!

P//Phobias?

I fear failure. I fear life passing me by. I fear emptiness. I fear regret.

Q//Quotes?

So glad you asked! Just ran into a really good one tonight:

Most laws condemn the soul and pronounce sentence. The result of the law of my God is perfect. It condemns but forgives. It restores - more than abundantly - what it takes away.-Jim Elliot

R//Reasons to smile?

Oh goodness. Family, friends, chocolate, coffee-just to name a few. God has been so good to me in my short life. I am beyond blessed.

S//Seasons?

Fall. I love the fact that there are no overwhelming heatwaves sweeping through, yet it's not stupid cold outside. Yes, fall is lovely.

T//Tatoos?

Nope. Plan to keep it that way, too.

U//Uknown fact?

I am the first college graduate in my family. Felt very blessed to be the one to claim that honor. :)

V//Vegetables you love?

Lettuce (iceberg and romaine), tomatoes, purple onions, jalapeno peppers...I like eating a rainbow of veggies.

W//Worst habit?

Soft drinks. Argh. They are my downfall.

X//X-ray you've had?

Only of my teeth. I am one of those few kids that never did break a bone growing up. I was told I had a boring childhood. :P I prefer to think of it as a less-dramatic childhood. Haha!

Y//Your favorite food?

Will I sound 5 if I say pizza? ::insert my biggest, cheesiest *no pun intended* grin:: There's very few things in life that beat a hot slice of pizza. But in the more healthier spectrum of life, I love me a good salad.

Z//Zodiac?

No clue. Don't do astrology.

And there you have it, folks! My life A to Z! I apologize for the absence of pictures...would have been nice to break all those words up. :P But my computer is not wanting me to post pictures to Blogger-and it's making me very sad. I suppose you'll just have to use this opportunity to exercise your imagination and visualize your own pictures. Yes. I know. Lamest suggestion ever. Just bear with me and my fussy computer...please?

Have a great day, lovelies! :)

summertime....

summertime is here and i couldn't be more excited! after spending the last little while being caught up in all of life's crazy action, i am so excited to step back and just live. i made up a little summer bucket list and can't wait to get started on it. want take a peek at it?

summer 2013....1.go backyard camping with my little sisters.....2.beach trip with my sisters and best friends....3.coffee and shopping day with my best girl heather....4.go out for ice-cream with my 2 baby sisters....4.go see despicable me 2 with the sisters.....5.hot-dog and marshmallow roast with the family....6. read 10 by august 1st (any suggestions?)....7. movie and mall trip with my two older younger sisters.

so not too awful much...but plenty of opportunities to make some sweet, sweet memories. it's scary to think about, but this may be my last summer to really "live it up". i mean, next summer i'll more than likely be taking classes at the university, and then the next summer i'll be graduated and :gulp: out in the real world. so this summer HAS to be spectacular. i intend on taking loads of pictures, laughing lots and making tons of memories.

have a happy day, y'all! :)

a real post

i always feel like i'm kinda cheating when i post my lists. i mean, yes, it's blogging, but i don't feel like it's :real: blogging. i mean, i'm throwing a boatload of random tidbits out to the world. doesn't feel legit. so, here is my attempt to write an honest to goodness blog post at 1:45 in the morning {yes, i know it's past my bedtime}.

it's summertime and i'm taking it easy. it feels strange. for the past 2 years, i've rushed around juggling high school, college, friends and family. now that it's all over with {high school and stage 1 of college....i kept the friends and family thing. ;)}, i actually have the opportunity to step back and breathe. interesting. i think i could get used to this. don't know how capable i'll be of handling classes once fall rolls around, but we'll burn that bridge when we get there. no need to worry about tomorrow's trouble's tonight {er, this morning}.

something i do want to accomplish this summer is making a summer bucket list. i've seen everyone else's floating around on the internet....think i shall have to jump aboard this band wagon. i have a mental list of things i want to do....so it's just a matter of communicating my thoughts to paper. that should be interesting.

i've been using my free time rather wisely. i've nearly completely caught up on my show "call the midwife". oh my garsh, i love that show! had fallen behind on it, but now that i actually have time to spare, i'm just about up to date on all the event of Jenny Lee and her friends. it's been quite the exciting season! every episode just keeps getting better and better. but don't go asking me for any details....just go watch it yourself. it'll be well worth your while. promise.

anyhooo...this summer i'm taking my first education class {yes, i know i'm supposed to be taking it easy, but i don't think 1 online class will kill me!}. it's really quite exciting. i mean, my textbook is saying things like, "as a future teacher..." and "you will need to know [blank] to intergrate into your own classroom.". eek! such statements make me very, very happy. other statements in the book make me groan. like, everything else in the book. it's a technology class....and the material is either too complex that only a nerd wearing oxford glasses and a bow tie would need to know it, or so basic that my 3-year-old cousin could master it. please, publishers...consider your audience before forcing this $100 book upon us! {you'll excuse my ranting. this week's chapter was especially mind-numbing}.


that's all my poor, over-taxed brain can muster at the moment. good night, y'all....

oh!-and happy memorial day!

Sometimes...

sometimes...i can type up a blog post no problem. my amature typing skills aren't fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. and other times...well...let's just say i wait a while for inspiration to come my way.

sometimes...i have *odd* dreams. the other day i married tim tebow (now that's a good kind of strange! :)); last night, i put out a forrest fire. yeah...i'm a little concerned too.

sometimes...i dream big. other times, i'm content to sit back and do nothing but watch blimey cow videos. {if you've never seen any of their videos, you're not living! check them out at this link}

sometimes...i can't wait to go out and conquer the world. other times...i just want to stay in my pajamas all day. maybe get a bowl of ice-cream...yeah, that's a good alternative.

sometimes....i want to have hair like rapunzel. other times, i want to shave it all off and see what color it comes back. i think that would be interesting.

sometimes...i'll think i'm turning into a semi-normal person...and then i'll have some spooky, random thought (like shaving my head just for the heck of it) and wonder if i'll ever be able to function in normal human society.

sometimes...i want to be able to function in normal human society. then other times, i'll look around and decide it's way more fun being me.

I Survived...and I'm blogging again....

Well, I'm confident that by now that the few readers I had have long since given up on me. Who can blame them, really. It has been over 3 months. And so much has happened in those 12 weeks.

Let me start off by reassuring y'all that I did indeed survive my 2 (count 'em! not 1, but 2!) math classes! God was so good to me in getting me through this semester. No, I can't say I came away with a new understanding and appreciation of and for math, but I survived. Even got a B in algebra! <<That was the most lovely suprise of the entire semester! :) I was also juggling a science and history class all semester long....science wasn't too bad, but in history, I had a massive research paper that I had to do. That was not fun. I normally enjoy writing, but that paper had me worried. But once again, God came through. :)

And because God came through for me, I sit here today a college graduate! My final semester was tough-probably the toughest I experienced at Santa Fe (yes, I said that every single semester, but this one was legit tough!). But it was so worth it when I went with my friend to pick up our cap and gown...when we decorated our caps...and of course, when I walked across that stage to get my "diploma" (a little rolled up piece of copy paper with a gold sticker on it...but still!). My graduation weekend was absolutely splendid. After the graduation ceremony that Friday night (and supper at Olive Garden!), we spent Saturday celebrating with family and friends. I was absolutely thrilled to have all the people I love all together. Couldn't have been more perfect...well, it was raining...could have done without that, but we had fun anyhow! ;)

So now that sweet summertime is here, my life has slowed down greatly. I still have some online summer classes (no rest for the weary! lol.), but it's a very light load compared to what I'm used to. I love having free time. Yes, I am one of those *strange* people who kinda enjoys school, but after 2 years of hard labor, it's nice to change things up a bit. ;)

Plans for the summer? Oh I don't know....I'll figure those out as I go along. For now, I'm just gonna enjoy the opportunity to be lazy. Yes...I think that's gonna work out just fine.

So I had a bad day....

You ever have one of those days where it seemed like the whole world was against you? Where it seemed like no matter what you did, nothing turned out right? It didn't matter how hard you fought...you always got pushed down. <<That day was my day last Wednesday. I had an algebra test last Thursday, and I spent all last Wednesday studying for it. But no matter how long I spent staring at the screen (my math is online), I couldn't get it. My brain is not wired to compute numbers, so it was a very frustrating study session. I got in the car ready to give up. I called my mom and told her I just wanted to drop out of school and flip burgers for the rest of my life. I drove home, fed up with everything. I was angry, hurt and confused. I was angry at the people who invented algebra (still am!); I was hurt because no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't good enough; I was confused because even after 6 hours of studying, math still didn't make sense.

I didn't want to go to church that night....but I did. I didn't think I would hear anything revolutionary that would change my perspective, but I did.

Our pastor told us to open up to Exodus that night...Exodus 14. So I did, and the first verse I landed on was this:

The LORD shall fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.--Exodus 14:14

 

 

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I was. I felt like God gave this verse especially to me. I just felt so relieved--yes, I was still stressed, but not AS stressed. I just felt like God was right there with me, saying, "I know it's overwhelming, but I'm right there with you....every step of the way".

So here I am now...sitting in the college's computer lab, continuing my college adventure. Things are still stressful; there are moments where I am extremely overwhelmed. I made not such a good grade on that algebra test, but I'm ok. I know I'm not in this alone. God has given me so much peace about the whole matter.

I know He's here fighting for me.

 



This Semester...

I seem to do this every single semester. I cry "woe is me-this is the hardest semester of my life". My first semester at the college wasn't too bad, but my 2nd one, I thought I was going to die. My summer semester, I took on 3 six week classes and was convinced I was enduring a long and painful death. Last semester, the first one where I took math, I was sure that my algebra teacher would kill me. Looking back, I can only sigh and wish things were as easy now as they were then.

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This semester, I'm on my way to finishing up my AA degree. I'm taking 4 classes: Physical Science, World History, College Algebra and Statistics.<<Sounds like lots of fun, huh? Well....let's just say, don't bother being jealous. lol. I have some great professors this year. My algebra and science teachers are both great ladies who are helping me get through the material. I'm very thankful for their help,and hope that between them and God, I'll survive yet another semester.

 

 

I'm overwhelmed this semester, but at the same time, excited. Remember me posting about applying to a university? Well, guess what? Got accepted! Whoo-hoo! Just have to finish up here at my little ol' community college, then I'm off to get started on my Elementary Education degree! Is that not amazing? I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. I've been dreaming of going off to college for years, and now, it's here!

 

Well, gots me a study group to get to, so I'll talk to y'all later on! :)

Why I Don't Wanna Grow Up...

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1. Because goldfish is the best snack ever. You can get away with goldfish being the main staple of your diet when you're a kid, but when you grow up...people look at you funny. :(

 

2. Because I still love cartoons. 8 years ago, my mom wouldn't bat an eye if I told her I wanted to watch Toy Story. Now...she looks at me funny.

 

3. Because kids don't worry about what they're gonna wear the next day. You can get away with wearing stripes and plaid together when you're 5...now, if I don't match perfectly, my sister looks at me funny.

 

4. Because when you're a kid, you're still capable of enjoying the little things life has to offer. Now, if you try to go out and play in the rain puddles...all of nature looks at you funny.

 

5. Because when you're a kid, you can gorge yourself on candy and get away with it. Now....my my dentist looks at me funny.

 

...And that's where my list ends cause my fantasy is being interrupted by my college statistics class. :( Bye, y'all! :)

Current Happenings in the Life of Emily....

I know it's been a while. Life has been so crazy these past few days. College classes started back up Monday, and with 4 fairly hard classes (physical science, statistics, college algebra and world history), it's already giving me a run for my money! I was feeling kinda stressed, but I have my schedule mapped out, so I think I'm going to be okay.

              

 

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So have you seen "Brave"? My sisters went to see it earlier this summer, and came home raving about how good it was. Of course, I was dying to see it, and we started counting down the days till it came out in Redbox. The Scottish accents in this movie are AMAZING...the story line's pretty cute too...not my very favorite movie, but it was still good!

 

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On my list of New Year's resolutions was to read more. One of the books I started this month was Elisabeth Elliot's "Passion and Purity". I've heard great things about it, so I decided that it must be worth reading....it is so good! Haven't finished it quite yet, but everything I've read of it thus far has been excellent! Filled with some pretty amazing quotes...like...“But the question to precede all others, which finally determines the course of our lives is What do I really want? Was it to love what God commands, in the words of the collect, and to desire what He promises? Did I want what I wanted, or did I want what He wanted, no matter what it might cost?” 

 

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Well, I have a fairly long to-do list...so toodles, y'all! :)